· Disclamer don’t continue if you cant handle what your about to read or deciding to continue to read on what I have to say. I’m putting this disclaimer out for basically family and any friends who in may way of saying things come out strong that I want to say it and I just want to inform you in advance that this is going to be in my own words and if you don’t think you can handle reading it, then PLEASE don’t read it, cause I warned you in advance and I’m doing what I need to do for me to help with this and to make awareness of this issue. Thanks.
Continued….
April 16, 2015 will be a day that will never be the same. It will never be a normal day, it will always be a day that I’ll always wish never existed. April 16th no matter what will always be a day that will be stuck in my head for the rest of my life as my heart stopped beating.
So lets go back to April 16, 2015 1 year ago to this day, worst day every.
I did my normal morning routine like everyday that week. I woke up made coffee, my mom decided to stop by my apartment before going to work that morning,to see my son and I. I got my son up and he had his breakfast after he was finished he got ready for school so I could take him to school. My mom stayed until she had to get to work and of course my son wanted her to watch cartoons. My mom left to go to work and it was time for my son to make sure he had everything ready for school. My son had to be to school by 8:30 am, I dropped him off at school and on the way home from dropping him off at school that day I was going to make a vlog for my youtube channel that was going to be an update on my VNS surgery I had for my Epilepsy. But that update didn’t get made that day.
Once I got home I made me something to eat and I was sitting down watching Pretty Little Liars. I had been home for like 30 minutes before I got a knock on my door. I was like that’s odd cause everyone I know is at work none of my friends knew where I lived, so it was either the aparetment management or the neighbor. Well I looked out the pep hole and I saw my sisters boyfriend before even seeing my sister. All I could think is why in the heck is he here. So I open the door, I notice my sister so I didn’t think anything of it I thought they were just checking on me since I just had surgery. So I sat down on my couch and I muted the tv cause she was acting weird and her boyfriend wasn’t even talking or wanting to really make eye contact neither of them so I knew at that point something was up. I asked whats going on and my sister kneeled down and said I need to tell you something….”Papa passed away” I said that’s not funny at all don’t be joking, she replied I’m not and her boyfriend finally spoke and said that shes telling me the truth.
All I could say is this isn’t true, theres no way, he was completely healthy, besides having problems with seeing and hearing but this didn’t make since to me at all. All I could say to my sister is that this is a joke that she was fucking lying he’s not dead. He cant be, he was healthy if anyone was supposed to die first out of the blue with health problem would be my grandma I was thinking because of her cancer so this didn’t make sense. I’m so livid and my emotions are going so fast I don’t know what to do that I cant think straight. I’m crying, I’m mad, and I’m just done. All I could think while I’m sitting on my apartment floor is this is just a nightmare.
My sister is asking me to at least finish some of my breakfast so I can take my medicine and then get dressed cause we need to go to my grandparents house. At this point I really didn’t want to go with them I wanted to drive myself because I didn’t want to be tied down to stay with anyone. So I forced myself to eat and get dressed. Our dad called and was getting an update since he sent my sister and her boyfriend down to get me he wanted to make sure everything else went fine since I have epilepsy stress isn’t such a great thing. I really didn’t want to leave and go anywhere at that point but I knew I was being forced/pushed to go, with the saying that this is the time to be with family. At this point I’m in such a daze that I just get my important stuff and leave.
On the drive to my grandparents house couldn't seem long enough that's for sure. I didn't know what I was going to arrive to when we got there. I didn't know who was going to be there and who wasn't going to be there.
As we turned into the neighborhood I could tell there was a lot of cars on the street. Well we pulled up to the neighbors house and I got out of the car, I ran across the street, I don't even remember looking for cars I was in the mind set wanting to see my grandfather so I didn't care about anything. By the time I got to the grass my dad was coming out the front door and confronting me saying I couldn't go inside and all I remember saying is that I want to see my papa let me go and he just kept repeating the same thing over and over again that I wasn't aloud but no one was aloud to see him.
It just didn't make since because why couldn't I see my papa if he just passed away. No one has the right to tell you that you can't see someone unless something else happened, I just couldn't figure it out. The cops also got involved and said if I couldn't control myself they would handle it and all I was wanting was answers but all they could say is they aren't allowing anyone to see him and that its for the best, which to me at the time for me I wanted to see my papa one last time, hug and kiss him good bye is all I wanted I didn't care. But the cops were threatening to put me in a cop car so I walked away.
A couple hours later my grandma and some family members were sitting at the dining room table talking when I heard my grandma say " I still can't believe he shot himself " I dropped my plate in the kitchen and yelled at my sister and said what you mean you told me he passed away you didn't tell me he shot himself. What the fuck you mean he killed himself, there's no way he'd do that.
So I toke off out the front door cause I felt at that time I was betrayed and lied to from my family. Why didn't they just tell me up front, lying and going around the truth just makes it worse. I was so upset I could barely handle looking at them.
But then to come find out I guess when I showed up at the house in the morning my dad told me but I must have blacked out when I just wanted to get in and see my papa and didn't care what anyone said. Cause I don't remember him saying anything about that.
Well then the moment came that I never wanted to see. The coroner came to pick up my grandfather and at that point it hit me that this is for real. That the only grandfather I have is gone. I just couldn't believe my grandfather had killed himself.
It was so amazing to have the loving support from my best friend and my boyfriend that I needed so bad. I know I had family but there's times when you need others and at that time I only had my best friend and my boyfriend. They both have stuck around and have been around with me through so much I don't know what I'd do without them.
Then it came the time I noticed I had to figure out how I was going to tell my son. I knew of course I wasn't going to tell him that his big papa committed suicide - killed himself cause at 8 years old that's a lot of information and I didn't want him to know yet until he gets older.
My sister and my dad went to get my son from school. At that point as I sat on the couch I knew I had to figure out it was time to tell my son his big papa passed away. How in the hell can I tell my son that, that's one thing I dreaded to do, was to tell him that his best friend that always played cars with him and kept my papa young had passed away in my sons eyes.
My son walked through the door and the look on his face he knew something was up cause there was tons of people that he didn't understand why. So at that point he saw me sitting on the couch so he sat down by me and asked me where big papa was at and I tried to hold it together but I just couldn't and it just all came out and just told him that papa had passed away. I think at first he told it like I did he didn't believe it cause he was in shock he didn't want to believe something that didn't seem real. But after a few minutes he lost it and started to cry. I mean he just lost his big papa that he loved so much. That relationship can never be replaced.
The rest of the day was basically a sit around and not go anywhere without anyone knowing your every move. It was hard to understand but it just came to the point to ignore.
Then it came to the point of the
So the rest of that night my son and I stayed at my parents house. That was a restless night. I mean how can you sleep after something like that.
~ I wanted to write this as part of my blogs as I've been waiting for the 1 year because this to me is how things happened in my point of view. Now people may say this should not have been posted but what people don't understand is that I don't accept that my grandfather passed away or died. I only accept the truth and the truth is, what I finally read in the coroners report and by the police that my grandfather died from suicide.
So basically my grandfather died from committing suicide from suffering from PTSD. To a lot of people suicide is hard to handle and yes it is but we need to accept the truth.
~ I wanted to write this as part of my blogs as I've been waiting for the 1 year because this to me is how things happened in my point of view. Now people may say this should not have been posted but what people don't understand is that I don't accept that my grandfather passed away or died. I only accept the truth and the truth is, what I finally read in the coroners report and by the police that my grandfather died from suicide.
So basically my grandfather died from committing suicide from suffering from PTSD. To a lot of people suicide is hard to handle and yes it is but we need to accept the truth.
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